Retirement

Ugh. I am a complete nitwit of investment. In recent months, i've re-examined my feelings on retirement savings entirely, trying to figure out if it's even Biblical. I've come to an uneasy truce with it, viewing it as risk-averse insurance: i'm paying money into an insurance that effectively bets i'm going to live past 65, or 67, or whatever the retirement age ends up being. If i die before then, i know the Lord called me home, and i get to go to heaven before my peers. If i live to incontinence and arthritis, i consider that a disaster scenario on scale with being in a car accident or watching my home fall into a fault line. I darn well deserve some compensation. I must admit, i have a weakness for eating out and techno-gadgets, so i'd like to support those hobbies into my dotage. Perhaps i'll be so near-sighted i will need a 100' plasma television.

So... this means, like insurance, i shouldn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to "maximize" my winnings, but rather, try to minimize my contributions (in both time and money) while maximizing the benefit when the awful day comes.

My original intent was to follow the wise words of the Motley Fool, and put my money away in a blind index fund, and let the incremental gains work in my favor as i spent my days doing more interesting things. I had originally started with Vanguard, the so-called king of index funds. However, my workplace is making a switch from Vanguard to forcing everyone to use TIAA-CREF. This is good news, especially for everyone who wasn't under the generous retirement plan that i was offered. But, it means i will now have four different retirement accounts: my voluntary account during probation, the 6 months i'll spend on my current plan, a Roth IRA, and this TIAA-CREF plan. That's insanity. I can't track that garbage in Quicken. I don't even like looking at my cell phone bill-- i just send it directly to my credit card.

I am incredibly lazy.

So, a few of the questions i'm pondering: (advice is welcome, but will probably be blithely ignored in favor of a series of coin flips)
- Do i try to consolidate all these accounts?
- Which funds do i invest in?
- How do i find out what the management fees are for each fund?
- Why would someone choose TIAA-CREF over another corporation? If it's because it's a non-profit or something, i'm going to freak out and go on a capitalism and efficiency of the market rant. You just watch.
- There is a "socially responsible" option now, which is pegged loosely to some index i've never heard of, after pre-screening them for companies that sell weapons, tobacco, alcohol, and nuclear power. (Nuclear power? What if i don't object to nuclear power?) What about obscenity? Companies that exercise discrimination against employees? Companies that persecute Christians or exploit third world economies? Put out annoying Super Bowl commercials? Squelch free speech? Is it even worth the time and effort to restrict myself to some arbitrary list, especially one i didn't come up with myself?
- What if i invest in bonds? They seem to be risk-controlled stocks, and therefore still ask the same social responsibility questions. Is that correct? Or am i missing something?
- Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10, but buns in packs of 12?

Before anyone refers me to an investment manager friend-- don't. I consider people who do that to be one step above infomercial salesmen. They may be nice people, but they have chosen a singularly uninteresting profession. I'm interested in what y'all think, because you are my friends and acquaintances. I'm not interested in meeting someone because they want to manage my money. My money (or lack thereof) is the least interesting thing about me. Besides the comic books.

At least i have peace about this money-- it's an employer benefit, and not something i have any say in directing toward worthier causes. Being an adult still irritates me mightily. I have better things to do!

I'm at such an utter loss, i'm probably going to cross-post this to the samlau.