I tend to pack my schedule wall-to-wall. I've been told it's a very burn-out thing to do, and it's not a very post-modern, existentially-seeking-Jesus to do this. That i need to slow down, and contemplate, and not be such an industrious worker bee all the time. My first impulse is to categorize those people as lazy slackers who are hiding their laziness behind a veneer of spirituality or post-modern psychobabble.

I am, obviously, in need of a gigantic plank remover for my eye.

But my big problem has been my assignment of value. I know what is supposed to be important, and i hate the logical inconsistency of choosing to do things that are less important than what is truly important! So, i always put those important things first... and then, i ladle all these other things i like on top of those things i've deemed to be important... stuff like playing games, demoing games, taking this CS class (Oh man! I'm having so much fun in that class. It's a sickness.), or falling asleep in front of a football game. (I actually wrote that in my Google calendar this fall. It was the best.)

I can't hang with the contradiction of blowing off something to which i attach great abstract value, in exchange for something which demands my attention. In the great four-square of personal organization theory: the urgent, but not important.

Some days, i'm just tired of having to choose.

I really struggle with how to be a friend. Not to be a good friend, so much as a friend. Someone who's around, who's available, who just wants to pal around and talk. I mean, i'm clutch. I'm the very definition of clutch! But i'm lousy at just slowing down and hanging out, which lends credence to this whole post-modern, slow-down-and-smell-the-incense point of view.

Maybe i struggle with my perceived worth here. When no one else is around, no one else is available, no one else can help... i'll do that. I'll step into that gap, i'll clean up that mess, i'll bring the soup, i'll join that ill-fated expedition. I used to be a legendary organization-killer in college. I would join groups, and their membership would plummet to single digits, there would be a huge scandal involving finances, or some key leader would quit.

I remember a few years ago, Captain Fadeaway wanted to go to a basketball game featuring his favorite team. We sprung for good tickets, and it was just me and him. No one else turned out; i remember feeling kind of ambivalent about that at the time. I had a great time, even though they lost. I enjoyed the one-on-one time with him. This past year, his wonderful wife got to organizing a similar outing for his birthday. And as i heard that more and more people were going, i looked at the conflicting, ongoing commitment on my calendar (BSF), and thought, "You know, Captain Fadeaway doesn't need me there. Look how loved that guy is!"

So i decided to go to BSF. By which i've been richly blessed.

There's a part of me that wants my core value to be availability. That my life show more compassion and grace, and less zeal for righteousness and consistency. The first three all belong in the Christian life... the latter is sort of my own bugbear. Maybe an idol. I dunno. And i am available! One of the elders at church says that i never say "No." He's wrong, but not by much. Or maybe by a lot, 'cause i'm always saying "No." I'm just completely torn apart when i do it.

Maybe i'm just a lousy friend. =\

So i'm sorry i've been a lousy friend, or brother, or son, or boyfriend, or fellowship member, or tournament organizer, or co-worker, or judge, or whatever other connection you have with me. I'm trying. I'm trying real hard, Ringo.